I'm still absolutely petrified of posting this but here goes.

I'm back to blogging, well sort of? Lets just see how it goes.

This post wasn't actually going to be about 2015 so far, but because it's been so awful, I haven't done anything exciting that is worth writing about. So January 2015 it is.

2015 is already not my year at all, January has been absolutely terrible and honestly I can't even begin to describe how I've been feeling and whats gone on. Let's just hope February is better but to be honest, I don't really have high hopes. I've had a really bad start to 2015 and nothing seems to be going right at all.

• I've been feeling rather up and down recently, good days and bad days. Mostly bad at the moment and I have a few ideas why. 'Friends', my accidental overdose, my apprenticeship, my last appointment at GOS, moving to Hammersmith and Fudge. I've been trying to take my mind off of everything by seeing friends and family, going out, listening to music (preferably Jessie J or S Club 7:The greatest hits, always a few good motivational songs between them) and doing coloring (it's actually a very good stress re-leaver and it makes you relax, well it does for me anyway).

• No one knows about this except family as I didn't want to go shouting about it at the time. At the beginning of the year, I had an accidental overdose in medical terms. I had two ambulances out to me and quite a few people in my house. Basically, I had a migraine and wanted relief for it, so I had to take 1 morphine based tablet. Well instead I had mistaken morphine for paracetamol (where I would usually take 2), and I took 2 instead of 1. PLEASE DO NOT DO THIS. I have never had an experience like it, nor do I want to experience it again. One minute I was fine, the next minute I couldn't see, my pupils were constricted, my breathing was slowing and it felt as if someone was sat on my chest, I was boiling hot and sweating like I was in Africa and Mum had to fan me, I felt sick, I was shaking, and I couldn't feel my body. I literally felt like there was nothing to me, all I could feel was my head. I was violently sick multiple times and my headache was still there. Because I was unable to breath properly (well my properly anyway, which is pretty heavy and slow anyway) I was terrified to go to sleep as I didn't want to stop breathing and die. Because of my disease and the fact I felt so terrible, Mum and myself decided it was best to call 111. I was pleading for an ambulance and I never ever want to go to hospital all call an ambulance unless it's life and death, and I felt like this was. 111 sent an ambulance and a car, they did a few general checks on me: blood pressure, bloods, temperature and they basically said I'd get over it and it wouldn't kill me unless I took more. They also said that a heroin addict would take a whole packet of those tablets, which is 32 just to get their fix. I had a really rough few days after that, but I was so happy that I was ok and didn't need to go to hospital. By the time they actually got to my house, I was feeling better, but because of my breathing me and my Mum pooped ourselves and wanted to double check I'd be ok, as you can understand in my condition, not being able to breath is quite serious. Anyway, I'm fine now, I definitely won't be making that mistake again and I'm here to tell the tale. I know some of you will be like "Why did she put that on her blog?", well I'm a very honest person and I wouldn't feel right blogging about how rubbish January has been and missing out the most life changing, crappiest thing of January. It just doesn't sit with me right and if you don't agree with me putting it on here, then fair enough, everyone has their own opinion, but honestly just do one, I shall write what I want.

• If you have me on Facebook, you would of seen that recently I've been feeling like I can't count on everyone and that all everyone does is let me down. Without offending anyone, well that's if they even notice this applies to them, I've lost quite a few friends. Close friends as well. Ever since I've started this apprenticeship nobody has bothered and all the people I thought I had have just disappeared. Yeah I understand people move on, get new friends, carry on with their life blah blah, but when you thought you were best friends or good enough friends with someone to keep in touch with and then they don't it kind of hurts a lot and makes me feel poopy, as it probably does with other people that this happens to.

• My apprenticeship has been taking absolutely ages to get to grips with, but hopefully by the end of February I will be in the swing of it and flying through it. At the moment it's very stressful as I should've started the work last November but unfortunately it got delayed and delayed and I only started it on the 12th of January; so as you can imagine I have loads to catch up on and complete by November 2015, no pressure.

• As for my last appointment at GOSH and moving to Hammersmith; I think I've spoken about this before, but it's coming around pretty quick and I'm quite anxious. These people who have been with me since day one of my diagnosis aren't going to be there anymore and I'm going to have a different support network which makes me really anxious. I hate change, especially this type of change. I'm quite happy and comfortable with my Doctors, Consultants, Nurses and Ward Staff and I don't exactly want it to change, but unfortunately change happens and I can't stop it, so I guess on wards and upwards?

• Fudge isn't exactly being a good puppy at the moment and when I'm having a bad day it doesn't exactly go down well with me, I literally want to chuck him out the window. Obviously I don't do that and I wouldn't ever do such a thing, he's still alive and being a pain but sometimes he drives me up the wall. When he barks, he doesn't 'woof' he barks and it won't be quiet and innocent, it's a full on loud bark. It makes us poop ourselves when he barks unexpectedly and everyone that hears fudge outside probably thinks we own a great big aggressive dog when in fact, Fudge is just a Yorkshire Terrier with short legs, about 70cm in height and a very loving personality with a good old loud bark. Anyway, I still love him very much and I would be lost without him if I didn't hear him in the morning barking at the school run, or when someones outside in the alley, or when the postman comes, or when he hears me coming home through the front gate and welcomes me; it's comforting to know he's there, trying to protect us regardless of his size and to hear him welcome me, us home. 

• Health wise, I've been ok. I've had the odd hiccup and have acquired another cold but hopefully it will pass soon. I have been sleeping a lot more recently and getting much more tired than I usually would but I think it may be down to the emotional roller-coaster I've been on, the stress I've been having and everything else as well. If you put it all together it is just draining, emotionally and physically. Oh and regarding my meds (Epoprostenol via hickman line), I've been getting on really well. I haven't done them every day, a few times a week but I'm certainly getting there and my confidence is growing each day with it. I'm so proud of myself and so thankful that my parent's have taken the time to teach me and picked up the pieces when I've thrown a paddy because it's stressed me out. 

Writing about the morphine was actually really hard for me, and I did post this last night but I completely regretted it and deleted it. But since then I've thought about it and here I am posting it again. I decided to re post it and keep that particular paragraph in because since speaking to a couple of people, they told me it was a good idea to include it as it shows people the real world and that not everything works out. Things like that do happen in life, regardless of who you are, where you come from, if you have a disability or not etc etc and I genuinely don't think we hear enough of these common mistakes to make ourselves aware, so don't take this as a "I want your sympathy" because I don't. I just want you, and other people to be aware of how easy it is to make that type of mistake and how fatal and scary it can be.

As for this post, it's a very honest and open post. My January has honestly been awful and hopefully it can only get better. Thank you to a lot of my family and friends (you know who you are) for your continued support, motivational talks, picking me up when I'm down in the dumps and ready to give up with everything, and for just generally being amazing towards me. Always cheering me up and reminding me why I'm still here fighting. You're all always there when I need you and even when I don't you're still there, reminding me of why I get up in the morning, and get dressed and go to work and continue this apprenticeship even when I could so easily spend the rest of my life in bed. I honestly couldn't get through half of what I do without any of you lot, and I'm so blessed to have you all. And I'm actually really thankful that you make me go out and spend the day with you because you know exactly what I'd be doing if I wasn't out with you (staying in bed) and you know deep down I'd rather go out than waste my time. Time is precious to me and you all seem to know it and don't let my stubbornness stop me. I honestly couldn't ask for better people to spend my life with and you know who you are, I love each and every one of you so much and I hope you never ever forget that.

Thank you for taking the time to read this blog post and I'm sorry it's so long.
Credits to Stacie for the confidence boost and the guidance.

Love, Erika

By the way Jessie J was amazing and me and Megan had the time of our lives. She's definitely worth going to see and I can't wait until she does another tour. HINT HINT. Mum? Dad?

Stacie's blog ♡ - Life Is Worth The Fight